Nelli

Yesterday I farewelled my Mum. She flew up with me last week to help me start my new adventure and yesterday, happy , relaxed and rested, she flew home.

Now my Mum has always been the strong woman, the tower of strength when things go wrong. She takes it all on her ample shoulders and we're happy to put it there. Yesterday, as I watched her walk up the stairs of the aircraft with her walking stick, hesitate at the top of the stairs while the flight attendant came to her assistance - she looked so vulnerable and fragile. I wanted to run out onto the tarmac and take her in my arms and hug her hard. I have never felt like that before. Even now typing these words I am getting teary.

The week we spent together was very uneventful. Short walks to the shops, afternoons reading and resting, time spent in the garden looking at ways to improve it and meals taken at the little outdoor table. No deep and meaningfuls, no delving into our past to sort out issues (and there are issues) - just casual, comfortable time in each other's company.

I felt a wrench as I watched her walk to the plane. But even now I would find it hard to call her and say those three little words that I say so openly and frequently to my own adult children ..... "I love you". I have never told my mother that I love her.

And I do. Yes - she drives me crazy, she still treats me like a child, she still tries to mother me ...... but I still love her. And I love her for doing all those things. It's what makes her my Mum.

Too many of my dear friends have lost their mothers in the past few months and I don't want to join them. Not yet. I know one day I will, but not now. I'm not ready.

First ..... I have to tell her that I love her.

Things to do on Saturday

Life here is different. Some would say it's how it should be, how it used to be. There is no rat race. Two cars at an intersection means a traffic jam :) (OK, slight exaggeration)

Shops close at 1pm on Saturday for the entire weekend. The newsagent opens on Sunday from 5-5.45 pm to sell the weekend papers.

I've been told that unless you like fishing and drinking, then there's nothing to do up here. Well ..... let me find out. I'm looking forward to going back to basics - to being part of a community. I'm fond of saying that "you get out of it what you put into it". Let me see what I can contribute, what I'm prepared to give of myself so that I can get back.

Today I'm doing nothing - but it's not a lazy doing nothing, it's more a stop, listen and learn to chill out sort of nothing. It's a sort of listen to your thoughts, write them down, make a list, make a plan sort of nothing. It's clearing the traffic jam in my head sort of nothing.

Just being - life is good

Day 2 on Thursday Island

I'm here, safe and sound. Getting here was very pleasant - 2 smooth and uneventful flights from Brisbane to Cairns, Cairns to Horn Island and then a very easy and scenic ferry ride across emerald green water to T.I.

Bags were then dumped, and the remaining hours of the day were spent meeting and greeting and then wining and dining before an early night and a deep sleep. Since arriving here I have not worn a watch - there's no need. I don't have to be anywhere at any given time.

I've already taken over the bedroom and the dining and spare room have been rearranged. Tomorrow I tackle the kitchen cupboards. But it's not all work. This is quite a social place, especially where we're based and there is always somebody around. Now I know there will be a time when this is going to drive me insane, but for now, after a couple of months of living alone, I'm enjoying it.

I'm also enjoying the ease with which I have settled in - it's not been frantic and stressful. I'm enjoying how I'm happy to let things be, to wait and see, to trust that it will work out.

But it is after all only day 2 ...........

One more sleep

I have so much stuff! I always knew that but now that I'm packing up and transferring to another place, I can see clearly how much stuff I have. But what's really surprising me is how much stuff I'm prepared to leave behind.

And I guess it's tied in with what I was saying in my previous post - a sense of belonging. Stuff makes you feel belonged (remember I said it is a word). When I look around my home I see my paintings, photos, books, bits and pieces, decor - my things, and they show me that I belong here.

Now I've packed some things to take with me because I need to feel belonged when I get to where I'm going. So there's kitchen stuff, some books and a few bits and pieces, but only a few :)

And as I look around me, I can see that I'm leaving a lot behind. And you know what - I'm OK with it. I'm OK with leaving it all here where it belongs because I'm am now going to be somewhere else and I will find a way to make me feel that that place is where I will belong .... for now.

So it's truly a new start for me - new experiences, new friends, new place ....... and new stuff.

Leaving it all behind - life is moving forward.

Belonging

The flight is booked, job is quit, farewell breakfasts, lunches and dinners abound. I'm off and flying on Tuesday 25th May to start a new adventure in a new place.

This morning, while reflecting on what's ahead, I realise that I need to redefine to myself what it means to belong. I belong here - my home is here, my family, friends, work, support network. And let's not forget the shops, the cafes, the theatres - all of what makes it interesting and meaningful to be me. And it's important to me to feel 'belonged' {is that a word? - it is now :)}.

Where I'm going .... will I belong? Where will I fit in? Will I find my sense of self? Will I still continue to feel interesting and meaningful ....... and me.

What's ahead? - life is opening up

Change of plans

For those of you who have been following, you'll know about my partner's new job and my decision to not join him. His job has taken him to a remote part of north Queensland and I didn't want to live there - away from my home, my family, my life. But a funny thing happened along the way.

At Rob's suggestion I went to visit for a long weekend - suss it out, meet the people, see where he works and plays (although truth be told there's not much playing as he's virtually on call 24/7). And, as I said, a funny thing happened. I've decided to give it a go - get way out of my comfort zone, leave the safety of home and hearth and venture far away to try something new.

I'm excited and scared. But it's a good scared. It's like I'm on the verge of something big - and I can't wait to see what it is.

Butterflies in my stomach - life is good