Gardening Thursday Island

I'm sitting at our outdoor setting - breeze blowing, weather warm and fine - and looking straight at the large garden bed in the back yard of the house. Now I don't know the names of the plants in this bed - apart from fishtail ferns and palm trees - there's little elephant ear things, quite a few bulb plants that produce an orange flower, some other fern, and a pink malay (I know this one because I have it in a pot and it still has the tag). Oh .... and a satellite dish that sort of stands out amongst all the greenery :)

Before I moved up here this particular patch was untidy, overgrown and messy. But now when I look at it, it looks a tad different. It's not as cluttered, it's a lot tidier, and I can actually see the orange flowers - they're no longer hidden among the greenery. I've cleared away the undergrowth and trimmed the shrubs.

And now when I water the garden each afternoon, I can start to see a pattern, I can get an idea of what I want to plant, how I want it to look and how I can go about it.

It's a bit like my head. Lately it's been cluttered, full of undergrowth and crap. But today I took another walk to the foreshore to sit and think. Looking at the water is so relaxing and without even realising, my mind starts to clear and I can see things clearly, see what I want and how to go about it.

Today I went to see somebody about casual work. It's what I know, it's what I'm comfortable with and once I get back into the swing of it, it's what I'll be good at again. I hope I've made the right decision, because as we know things happen here when they happen, so it may be a while before I find out :)

In the mean time, I will continue to tidy and maintain the garden, clear out the weeds, re-pot, replant and reorganise. I will keep up the daily watering and watch with delight as the flowers start to bloom and the plants look healthy and green.

And as my garden grows, so will I. I'll grow more confident that life here is progressing at the right pace, at the right time (T.I.time?) and that when I least expect it, things will blossom.

Clearing out the garden in my head - life is falling into place.

What a week! I went from despair to excitement in the space of a few hours. The anticipated change? ...... yes, it happened. And while I'm not over the moon and while I'm feeling sad - I realise that this is the start of something good.

My lovely partner has just scored his dream job - it's something he's wanted to do for 30 years - and now it's his. And it's away from home - a looong way away. My sadness is for me - I'm going to miss him so much. You see, I've decided to not share his dream job ..... for now. Never say "never", but at this stage I cannot see myself making those sorts of changes. It would involve putting this life that I know and love on hold - indefinitely - moving to parts unknown and facing challenges unknown.

I'm not that adventureous - and that does not make me a lesser person - right? I like what I have and how I have it. So to that end we have given each other 6 months to try before you buy, and then we will look at the situation all over again and decide.

Now - what's in this for me? A few lessons I'd say. Lessons in patience, trust and getting to know "me". Patience: that things will work out as they are supposed to and not to try and manipulate outcomes. Trust: that things will work out as they should, trust in myself that I can cope with the upcoming months of aloneness, trust that my partner will get what he needs from this experience. Getting to know "me": through decluttering, silences, quality time alone, meditation and exercise.

At the moment it all feels surreal. He's still here and we're doing all the things we always do on the weekend. So far nothing has changed. But it will - very soon. And I have to change too. I have to change my mindset and my reactions.

But some things will not change. We love each other - no change. We want to be with each other - no change. We both respect our decisions and reasons for doing what we're doing, even though we wish we were on the same page :)

Life is changing, life is never still, life is what you make it - life is good.