A tough day

How can things move so fast? How can bad cells work so efficiently?

Today has been tough but Mum and I have had lots of support from lots of people. As well as the regular Palliative Care visits, Father John has been to give Phil the Blessing of the Sick and Dennis, the Blue Care chaplain also came for a chat.

We've taken delivery of a hospital bed - we're hoping that having a bed where we can adjust the back up and/or down will make him more comfortable. Once the mattress inflated - it's an air mattress especially designed for pressure points - Rob transferred him from his regular bed onto the new bed.

Up until now Rob hasn't spent a lot of time with Phil due to his own injuries, but today when he dropped me off he decided to stay. It was good for Phil to have another male to assist him with matters of hygiene and to just be blokey with him.

And yet in spite of his illness and very weak state, his wicked sense of humour has not diminished. Before I left tonight I kissed him and called him a sweet man. Without missing a beat he looked at me and said "what drugs are you on?"

But things are moving so fast. He is so weak. As I watch him sleeping I tear up. He does look sweet even though he's so thin and gaunt.

I wish he could stay. I wish he would get better and we could resume our relationship, but this time it would be better. This time I wouldn't leave it so long in between drinks. This time I'll call him regularly, I'll have him over for dinner more often, I'll be more interested in what he does, where he's been. We'll have long talks on our front deck - I'll drink wine, he'll have a bourbon. This time I won't take him for granted. 

Unfortunately, life is not reversible.